Breast Cancer Taught Me to Love My Body
From a very young age I struggled with body image. My mother struggled with her weight after having children and projected that onto her daughters. I was told I was chubby even when I was not, and as such I never saw myself as thin even at those times in my life when I was.
The physical attribute I always appreciated were my breasts. They were not particularly big, but just the right size for my frame. And although I had breastfed my three babies, they remained fairly firm and upright. By the time I was in my 40’s, I had somehow gotten to a place where I had embraced myself and my body. I think it was because I was truly happy with my life. Happily married to a man who loved me for me and made me feel beautiful; we had three precious girls, and I felt confident and happy in my skin.
And then at the age of 49 I found a lump in my breast during a self exam. Breast Cancer. Between the double mastectomy, chemotherapy and implant reconstruction, I emerged from fourteen months of treatment broken into a million tiny pieces. I did not know how to put myself back together.
Thus began the struggle with body image all over again. I had gained weight from the chemotherapy, hated my implants, and loathed looking at myself in the mirror. All that coupled with how emotionally and mentally shattered I was, and I can truly say I did not know who I was. Nobody tells you that the period after treatment is worse than treatment itself.
It has taken me three years to piece myself back together, and I have learned a lot about myself in doing so. I could not come through something like breast cancer and be the person I was before. Nobody can. It took away my dignity, it broke my spirit and it brought me to my knees. But eventually, I got back up. I surrendered my fears and I focused on healing not just my exhausted body, but my mind and my heart.
I have an appreciation for my entire body now that I never had. I realize how hard it worked to get me healthy again, how hard it works for me every day. I have a new appreciation for my inner strength, and I actually see my mastectomy and port scars as symbols of that strength. I am grateful I am here and that I have the privilege of aging. I don’t even mind the crows feet that seem to leap out at me in every picture. I have earned them.
Now when I look in the mirror, I don’t rush to turn away. No, I am not youthful and firm, and I still don’t think my breast reconstruction is attractive, but my body is so much more than just my breasts. I have lived well, I have loved well, and I have experienced plenty of losses. My body has been there for me through all of it.
When I founded my nonprofit, Infinite Strength, it was not just to provide underserved women financial aid during breast cancer treatment, it was to give them hope. It was to walk beside them so they did not have to take this path alone. I have had the opportunity to talk to many women in the throws of treatment, and there is always one question that is a common thread among them: “Will I ever be the person I used to be?”
My answer is “No. You will be better.”
